The holiday w a new lens

Rewatched the holidays.

Just realised how unromantic it is and how potentially toxic is it.

Cheating

15 days and the tears still keep coming. There isn’t a day without. And the rage. I’m dying

Platonic friendships

I always thought that the only way to keep a person in my life forever is to have them as a friend cause the odds of them being a partner for life is low and it’s almost impossible to be friends after you guys have broken up.

But recently the married couples in my life made me realised that it’s not true. That I was naive. That it’s almost impossible for me to have close friendships w other married men. And it doesn’t help that I met them through dating apps. WJ and SH will always be the 2 men that I adore and love as a human being. And it seems v apparent that I’ll lose them soon.

It’s rly sad though. Both of them are pretty much a rock and comfort zone for me and low key soulmate material. both of them are the sweetest person and I feel a connection w both of them. What’s w me and RI boys or rather scorpio moons seriously.

I’m just really upset that it has to be that way. That I’ll lose them eventually. I’m grateful for having them in my life and I don’t want it to end.

天下无不散之宴席. I fucking hate it. Triggering all my abandonment issues. 😦

And the worst thing is I can’t tell them what’s upsetting me. And they are the people I could turn to usually. This sucks

Fear of success

Today I realized there is such a thing called fear of success.

When S asked me why I procrastinate and why am I scared months ago he thought I was scared of failure. I wasn’t. But I thought it was shameless to say I’m scared of GML becoming a success.

It’s an irony I rewatched DWP again yesterday and told my mum I always wanted to be Meryl Streep in that.

Today I realized I’m scared to be that.

Today I realized whenever I had success I was alone and miserable. That feeling was overwhelming and it was associated with all my significant achievements.

I had R, M, J when I was struggling. I always thought that it was because I was vulnerable and so I was open to them. Like they were satisfying my need for significance instead of getting it from school or my career.

As I grow closer to launching GML I get a few more waves of anxiety cause the association keeps getting to me. I feel alone when I succeed and I need to be ok with it.

Also today tchalla died. It made me irrationally upset. Cause you used to do that accent for me and I loved it. It is the sexiest accent and you doing that accent always made me laugh. I guess it reminded me of a good memory that goes to die as well.

Wander or climb

Hi blog!

I’ve registered the new company today. It’s a milestone. But I guess this is not why I came here to ramble.

This year is just pure weird. It’s kinda forcing me to sit still and come face to face w all my demons and I hate it.

I guess I haven’t really felt really lost throughout my life. And I wouldn’t say I’m completely lost now… I mean I know I wanna start my own business and I’m doing it and I kinda wanna make that bayshore condo thing happen too. So I guess I’m not lost. But how do I put it I guess I’m uncertain on what kind of woman I wanna become.

And I guess that’s what I am here for. To be totally honest w myself.

Do I really want a kid? No. But I will do it if my partner really wants one. Is that a bad thing? Is that not how I should do things? Should I want a partner who doesn’t want a child? Idk I am confused you know.

I know I can be a great mum. I mean come on look at my own mum I can’t be that far off. But I guess I’m just really scared that once I’ve become a mum I’ll lose my identity like how mum loses hers. Then again what is my identity?

I feel like in recent years or rather after my last relationship w jim I don’t rly know myself anymore. I know it’s been more than a year and I’m supposed to have found myself by now. But i don’t have a clear idea what my identity is and what am I supposed to not lose if you get what I mean. Actually does anyone knows exactly anyway?

Career has always been very important. But idk isit cause of this wfh situation or what. I’m kinda not sure if I want to climb the corporate ladder and become a cmo anymore.

I haven’t given up finding a partner in life and I know I want one and I know after jim I’ll never compromise on my values and settle for anything less than a partner. I want a partner not just a relationship. It’s really hard but I’m kinda proud of myself.

And recently I really am giving my tiny house dream a little more thought. But part of my really don’t wanna do it alone. I kinda really want a partner who will do the tiny house life w me. This means I rly need to have my own businesses so that I have that flexibility. Is this who I am now?

I don’t think I will have answers tonight but I guess I’ll just keep moving while I figure this out.

2020 is a tough year. But we must all press on.

The 3 men

R showed me love. I probably don’t deserve that kind of love at the point in time. But it always acted as a point of reference on how I can be treated. He basically spoil market lolol. Everyone said that the way he looked at me is how every girl wants to be looked at. He basically put me on a pedestal and treated me better than any model bf in the world. Loved me for who I was even when I’m not at my best behavior. I might have been toxic. I knew for sure when I broke up w him I’ll never be loved so much and so deeply ever again. The only regret I had was that I didn’t give him the break up and apology he deserved, and thank him for letting me experience a love that was out of this world.

M was my major firework. Short lived but amazing. Probably someone I could call my soulmate. Our chemistry was off the charts. He’s the one that got away. He’s the one that I truly love but never said and showed. He’s the one I gloriously fucked up. He made me realized I don’t know how to love someone properly. The love I had for him scared the shit out of me and my destructive and self sabotaging behaviors surfaced. I am ashamed of what I’ve done. I became a nun for 2 years after this. Lololol. I regret fucking it up. I regret not being brave enough then. But I’m thankful for the best fireworks ever. This is what makes life interesting.

J was the one I learned how to love someone properly. He’s the one I sacrificed most for and committed to. He’s the one I was ready to marry, the whole “in sickness and in health till death do us part” thing. He’s the one who changed me – my temper has never been this good. My patience properly stretched. Still stressful and low key gives me anxiety but I can cook now. My relationship w him was my “good gf exam paper” and I passed with flying colors. I know I’m not a fucked up person anymore and I can love someone properly. I can be a good gf and wife – Both J and my friends gave the stamp of approval. After our breakup and even after he found someone new who ironically resembles me, he said, “You’re the best thing that happened to me. You made me grow up.” I think that’s enough validation. This is the one that crushed me. Even after years of building up emotional resilience I cried every single day for months. It triggered all my childhood traumas. Had to go for therapy (3 sessions only luh) to finally start healing instead of just coping. And I’m glad for therapy – it shone light to bits of my life that I didn’t know affected me into adulthood. When I finally told mum I think it has a positive impact on our relationship. And I think she told dad and I think he’s trying to reach out in tiny bits Asian dad style. Anyway I digress. I know it has been a year since my break up but I prolly need to come back and edit this section on J in another year’s time. I guess I don’t rly fully understand what this chapter meant yet. I don’t have a clear view of the narrative still.

I want

I want to grow old with someone.

I want someone to be by my side as I achieve my goals.

I want to be rock for my husband, his greatest support.

I want someone to go home to.

I want someone to paint the town red with.

I want someone to pick me up when I fall.

I want someone to be there when I’m sick.

I want someone to give me comfort and assure me everything will be ok when things are not.

And I want to do the same for the person.

I want to be loved. Dearly. And I know I can do the same.

Trash

Books

Hi there. This is random but I just wanted to make a note.

I realized that whenever I’m in a period of true healing. I always pick up a book. It’s just something calming and it takes your mind off.

Also I think I may have lost my thing w drawing and painting. Damn.

2020

Hi, I’m here again.

So much had happened. The break up, my grandfather whom I adore so darn much got a stroke and till this day is just not the same anymore, my health scare, my therapy, my lil milestones I achieved for myself professionally despite all that has happened.

I guess I can say I survived the breakup . I don’t think I’m 100% but honestly once you have gotten your heart broken once who are truly 100% anymore. But then again are you a 100% human being if you’ve never loved and had your heart broken before?

Ok I digress.

Today is Valentine’s Day. I thought I was gg to struggle well cause last Valentine’s Day eve was the day we had the quarrel (aka the trigger) that ended up with a 2 weeks break, and another 2 weeks and an eventual break up. Last Valentine’s Day I was devastated, disappointed. I was hurting, but I was trying.

And the Valentine’s before was sweet, a bouquet of my fav squid lololol See this is why I fell for him, he do stupid things for and with me. He did make me laugh and well happy.

So anyways I didn’t struggle! I guess I’m just glad that I didn’t felt the way I was last year and I try not to think about the year before and how he’s w a shittier version of me and all his overcompensating behavior that I deserve.

Sigh who am I kidding, it still pisses me that he settled for a shittier version of me – mind you his own words are: she’s my bad karma for losing you. It’s so sad that it’s funny. You are the best thing that has happened to me. You made me grow up.

And yet she gets all that I deserve, wanted and more. Seriously it’s a tough pill to swallow and it really gets to me.

Dear jolene wong, please try and learn not to take men’s word at face value, you rly need to make sure the walk the talk you gullible woman.

Anyhow, the eve of Valentine’s Day sucked though, I did spiraled slightly late at night. Dropped a few tears. I cannot believed it has been a year since the quarrel. Sometimes I wonder if I am too smart for my own good. What if I’m vapid, and can’t sniff out his bullshit. I guess I’ll prolly be engaged and married. Happily or not would rly have to depends on how stupid I can continue to be I guess. Sometimes I do wish I’m a dumb fuck honestly, like I always say, bimbos have the most fun, they have the least worries and happiness comes easy.

Next up, I’m actually glad that I went for therapy. I don’t think I’ve been healing at all before therapy. I was coping. And well with all series of unfortunate event that came after my breakup I just can’t heal. I can only cope. Healing requires you to be vulnerable, and w my grandfather and my health scare and the lawsuit I can’t. I need to slay. And I can only cope w my heartbreak so that I can continue on.

Although it’s just 3 sessions of therapy I am really glad it pointed out things I’ve never really gave much thoughts about. I’m surprised she could make me even more self aware. But well, ill never share it here. It’s way way way too personal to be someone in the digital sphere. I like this word – digital sphere.

Anyways, I’m still healing, but I’ve made much progress. I do miss having someone around but I need to work hard on myself and make sure I find a partner this time round and not another man child.

I’m kinda glad i didn’t delete this space. It’s my safe space.

Bye. Happy Valentine’s Day. Oh wait it’s 1 am. happy weekend!