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the end of the happy meal


i needed to document this down and to make sense of what happened.

Ultra did it for me.
or rather, Kris made it happened. she got shitassed drunk and i had to bring her back to the hotel even the party even started.
so this guy from ultra helped me to bring her back. and told me to not worry and he will bring me back to the party to join my other friends. it was awesome to have someone that i can get that bit of support when i really needed help.

It didn’t helped that he’s an ABC too and whatever medical terms he said reminds me majorly of drake. the resemblance is too uncanny. they had the same vibes and genuinely wanted to help. Before i reached the hotel, he bumped into some girl he knew and we all helped kris back to the hotel.

this is where it happened. he left with the girl after we put her to bed and forgot all about bringing me back to the party. he just asked me to make sure kris don’t choke on her vomit.

I mean not gg back to the party is honestly not that much of a deal.
but to be abandoned by “drake” when I’m feeling lost and alone. that did it for me. One full month of keeping myself together just went down the drain. i panicked. months of fear and those awful emotions that i have been keeping at bay just hit me full on.

I called drake immediately. i really needed him. he thought that i was drunk and was being all dramatic. he didn’t understand. i admit that without alcohol i wouldn’t have allowed myself to feel all these. but it wasn’t drunk talk. i was emotional cause thats one fucking month or more worth of emotions that needed to be dealt with.

What i was so upset with was that every time things comes to a close, he never had the guts to talk to me face to face or over the phone. every. single. time. I swear to god i have been a terrible person to the guys I’ve dated, but with drake I’ve been on my best behaviour. I was fucking sweet. And i think i deserve a proper conversation to end things. I HATE AMBIGUITY. i cannot break up on the basis anything close to “because of work”/”i need space”/”i don’t have time right now to think about us”. FUCK. i had 5 years of toxic relationship over such bullshit and NO WAY I AM GG TO BE IN THE SAME POSITION EVER AGAIN. AND I PRIDE MYSELF IN UNDERSTANDING THE WORK PART CAUSE COMEON, IF YOU HAD SEEN MY WORK EXPERIENCE YOU KNOW WHATEVER SHIT YOUVE ARE GOING THROUGH, BITCH IVE DONE THAT. I NEED SPACE IS NOT NO JO I DONT THINK WE WILL WORK OUT. I CANT COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP YOU DESERVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF WORK IS THE ULTIMATE HOOK. ITS NOT I DONT THINK YOU ARE WHAT I WANT. IT IS NOT I DONT SEE A FUTURE WITH YOU. omg i am so angry.
i know we won’t work. i think that was clear since our first “its over” during his 30th birthday. my gut feelings were right. but i chose to disregard it, ignore red flags. i blamed myself and over compensated. i loved him.

a proper meet up articulating our differences and telling me that he don’t see it working would have helped a lot. but i guess drake is right. in life you don’t always get what you want. i can’t believe he could be so mean. he’s the first honestly.

I’m angry. i really am. I’m still hurt but i know i am going to be ok. after all, i really pulled myself together after bkk. its just another cycle i need to go through with. but I’m terribly upset that this didn’t happened sooner.

and i can’t believe he said BKK was nothing to him. i should have initiate the difficult conversation there and then. i guess i was playing chicken.

i am tired. i truly am. you rly hurt me. not because you rejected me but the way you handled things. you skirt around things, you avoided difficult conversations. i guess this really is a key difference we had as well. goodbye drake ong. i wished i could be the one who did everything you wrote in your toast. we are just not meant for each other.

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