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pensive – nirvana

Today I bought the QPX package n did the 1st treatment. Had nvr felt so raped before. Don’t know if its normal, wrote to them nonetheless. N nope I’m not over reacting cause I’m not new t brazillian waxing but this just feels wrong. Details will be omitted. Interested parties just whatsapp me. Hahahahahha!

Had a v enlightening talk w my mum today n realised a lot of things about myself. I really went one step faster then most of my peers. Not implying anything and definitely not saying I’m more superior in any way, but I felt tt Ive went through what the rest are just going through now. Probably for some, mine experience was slightly tougher then theirs.

my mum always say this to me when I’m gg through tougher times – 随意而安 (come what may)
N only until today I finally comprehended it. There’s a lot of phases in life. A lot of changes. Lifestyles for one will always be changing whether you like it or not. it is really important t be at ease n stop lamenting about how bad life is and how much u miss “those days”. Cause I realised no matter how much u miss your past lifestyle, it will nvr come back again.
You just have t make the best out of now. Its rly a lot about inner peace, you soothing your own inner frustration. Not easy, i’ll say.

During my days in Sasa. I rly miss my poly days. I rly had a bad time adapting as the lifestyle was a 180degree turn n no one was gg through the same transition as me. No one to relate to excatly. So I rly hated everything then n was miserable as hell.

Then come post-Sasa. I thought the lifestyle tt I longed for will come back again but I was wrong. Nthing is ever gunna be the same. Circumstances change n we must rly stop living in the past no matter how good it was. It was until now I realised how pointless it is to be unhappy about your own current situation n clinging on to the past. Mentalities have t change. Its really all in the mind!

How do I put it. Yes, now u might find it very loserish to be home most of the time and having the v toned down lifestyle as compared to then. U can sulk n be upset by the changes n feel even worse about everything. So what do u get? Nthing but misery.

So why not try t be at ease n appreciate what u have there n then. Appreciate that u can have this phase in life before the next phase commences.

if you think about it. Thrs nthing bad about anything. Its just phases. N different phases makes us experience different things. N experiences makes us who we are. In different phases in life, no matter short or long, there’s always more of something n less of something. E.g more of relaxation but more of boredom, less of fun but less of stress. More of problems but more of challenges, less of peace but less of void. So the more phases the more fun it is. Transition part needs some getting used to, but we r made to adapt. So feel accomplished if u can just adapt well w whatever tt comes your way. Because for all you know, one fine day u might just miss what u have now.

Lesson learnt: true meaning of contentment. Maybe not all but the hang of it. We are all young thrs still much to learn. Hated the days in sasa. But not denying how much it forcibly made me grew.

another lesson learnt is through my relationship w ed.
Frankly ah. I think I deserve everything. All the so called “agony” – I really deserve it. N I find tt he’s rly quite poor thing cause if its not me he has to be w, it’ll rly be a lot easier on him.

W him, I’m forced to face my own flaws, forced to grow up n improve.

Willful, stubborn, bossy, unreasonable, horrid temper, princess mentality – I always knew I had them n I totally understand tt I have to change. But seriously, there wasn’t rly a need to until he came. For tt I rly am grateful for him. if I ever lose him, its rly my fault n my loss.

Its really through relationships that u find a need t make yourself a better person. Cause family will always love you no matter what, they’ll always give you what u want n nvr deny you from anything. Friends accepts u for who u are and they’ll always let things past for the sake of friendship.

It is only when you’re dealing with a complete stranger who doesn’t owes u anything, n doesn’t have t be nice to you by default tt forces to go further n be better. U rly have t step out of your own comfort zone to find true happiness. It is where u truly learn the meaning of loving someone and be giving. And when I say that, I meant give without feeling like they owe you anything or u expecting reciprocation – thats the challenging part. Its not easy, cause all your life you have been receiving but nvr truly giving, its a new experience altogether. u might argue tt u love your family n gave a lot to them. It doesn’t counts because you know tt they’ll always love you n do the same.

to love n give someone because u truly do n want to is not easy. If u can find happiness in doing tt you can prepare yourself for a Nobel price. Haha. Kidding. Not to ask for anything in return n truly be happy when they are isnt easy, well at least for me. I’m still learning. Friends, family, yes. Someone who might not reciprocate, No, not yet.

It’ll take time for people t realize tt. Some after a couple of relationships to understand n some sadly nvr found anyone deserving enough to make them realise this.

Anyways, I’m sure he’s the one who is worth me loving without asking anything in return and I rly hope he don’t give up on me. I rly don’t know where to find another someone who can stand being tortured and ill-treated by me for so long n always forgives n comes back time and again. he rly gave me a lot of chances to grow. and its only recently I realised this, hope its not too late. I failed to see his side of the story, when you’re feeling like you’re being mistreated or even just receive less of his love, have u put your own needs aside n take a look at his? What have u done to make him continue giving n loving?

I feel sad for him tt he had t wait for me t grow up n endure it while I’m in the process. If he ever leaves me i’ll be sad but its fine cause I know he tried long enough n it’ll be easier on him if he’s w someone better or more matured. N he deserves it. The lack of love from him is not because he is cheating or whatever nonsense but because he needs all the energy he have now and direct everything to his current transition or phase in life. And what’s more, I cannot keep taking without giving. My version of giving then is always w expectations of him to reciprocate. So its bad cause I’m like a love loanshark w high interest rates tt can kill.

Lesson no. 2- If he doesn’t reciprocate, its not his fault cause he doesn’t have to. But love because u want to, not because u want anything in return. But of course, find someone worthy. N nvr be a love loanshark.

Ok I’m darn tired now. Pardon me if I don’t make sense or everythings all over the place. My thoughts are jumbled at this unearthly hour. Nights all!

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