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times of instability

26th feb marks the end of our tertiary education, everyone is kinda lost and the current crappy economy situation is not doing us any good.

this is it man. the end of the station and you gotta decide what to do with your life.  😦 its only me myself and i from now onwards.

u know, ive always been very sure of myself. i know what to do, and where to go. till this year. i dont know what happened, but i have nvr felt like such a failure in my entire life before. this year, or rather this sem, i realised things ive nvr realised about myself. im always full of doubts, i feel stupid, lost, inferior most of the time and i dont even think im capable of doing anything. and shockingly enough, i realised that i actually have no confidence whatsoever. i dont know what happen to me! its like the more you grow up, the less sure you are about yourself. everything you thought your are just keeps failing on you time and again. and i really dont know what i am anymore. too many failures, very disheartening. 😦

joel says, “plant faiths and reap miracles”

but my plantation keeps dying on me. i dont wanna be a farmer anymore. but i dont know what else to do. i dont wanna be nthing.

sometimes i feel that im so average i dont know why i exist for. i dont help in balancing up the good and bad, im just there in the middle wasting my time. which is somehow equivilant to being invisible all the time.

im not smart, im not hardworking, im not good in music, im not good in science, im not good with numbers, im not good in languages, not good in art or sports or anything else. im just ok. and tts ultra depressing!

i not ready to face the world. to fight a losing battle, i’d rather not fight at all.

what has become of me. wheres the free spirited, goofy, nonsensical, cheerful girl standing proud and tall, on the top of the world?

i miss myself. im like in constant need to escape.

that aside,

matters of the heart.

its not easy being with him. or maybe its nvr easy being w someone at all.

well, ive come to terms that he cannot always be there for me. and the relationship that we have will be very different from what is around me, what i want, what initially thought it would be.

this is really grown up thing no kidding. i have to be independent and trust and believe in him.

there is much for us to do to make it work, im still having my doubts and yes, very insecure.

but i know i love him n he love me too. no doubts bout this.

i needa be supportive and as much as i cant do anything to help him w his work, i just needa be there, letting him know that he dont have t worry about me and let him concentrate on his work. i realised that he is in the constant project madness situation and tts really scary.

ok, i think i can do it. and he is trying t make me feel better too.

compromise wsm! compromise!

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